Sunday, November 20, 2016

Random Thoughts

I realize it has been a couple of months since I have written and I thought it would be good to post an update. My mom has finished her first 9 weeks of pre-surgery chemotherapy and is scheduled for surgery mid-December. After surgery she will undergo another 9 weeks of chemotherapy and then we'll see where we're at at that point. Ovarian cancer stinks. However, I feel very blessed to live close enough to her to be able to take her to every appointment and be an advocate for her in her medical care. Cancer has to be my least favorite thing in this world.

That being said, last month my sister was also diagnosed with medullary cancer of the thyroid. She had extensive (6 hours) surgery to remove almost all of the cancer and is recovering well. She will start radiation treatments before long. Again, I am so glad that she lives close to me and that I can be available to offer support as needed. But I still wish cancer would just go away.

With all of this going on in my family, I find myself down quite a bit. I don't like to talk about it because I feel like people will think I'm being too negative and need to look at the bright side of things. Believe me, I try. I am able to find the sunshine in my storms about 75% of the time but some days it just feels better to let the rain and gloom soak me through and through.

That being said, there is so much sunshine to be thankful for. There are so many HUGE, life-changing events in our lives here that I am behind in writing about on my blog! For one, on the day my mom was diagnosed, my oldest daughter Elle married this awesome guy:

Meet Calvin, my new son-in-law. He is awesome. They are a perfect match and seeing them together makes me so happy! I love how much they love each other.

Also, my oldest son Allen TY and his sweet wife Kia gave us the best gift ever at the end of October:

Yes, I am now blessed with the much anticipated status of grandma. Isn't he the most perfect baby you've ever seen?  In the moments that I get to hold him nothing else matters.

Another one of the sunshine moments has been helping design, make and rent costumes for my high schoolers' production of The Little Mermaid. If you know me well then you know that I have been obsessed with Little Mermaid for many, many years. (27, to be exact) All-a-Boy was cast as Sebastian and Cowgirl has roles as a chef, a lionfish and a flamingo. It is the most beautiful version of this musical I have ever seen and the amazing sets and costumes along with talented cast and crew are more than anyone would expect from a high school show. I have been to every showing and I am not even close to sick of it.

I had this fantastic idea the other day, which I would love for someone to take and make happen. I'm sure there are a good number of people like me who used to love musical theater in high school and would love to continue to be performing on stage, but life circumstances prevent it for now. All of my dream roles are ones I am too old to pull off anymore. So, I propose (for lack of a better title coming to mind right now): "Oldies Theater". We should have entire shows cast with "more life-expereinced" actors and actresses. Then we can still fulfill our dreams of playing certain roles later in life, even if we're "past our prime", so to speak. I think it's brilliant.

On a different note, I have been profoundly affected my the influence of music in my life lately. Including finding new, deeper meaning to the lyrics of many of the songs in Little Mermaid. I wrote this on facebook one morning when a song on the radio brought out some emotions I didn't even realize were bubbling just beneath my surface:

"Music is on my mind today. And I tried to find a quote that expresses what music does for me, but there wasn't one. I grew up in a home with two Deaf parents who both loved music. It was played at full volume for the appreciation of everyone in the family - a whole beautiful mix of oldies and songs from whatever radio station we were tuned in to. Some of us loved the beats more than the words, some just loved the freesytle dancing involved, but we all loved music. No matter where life has taken me, music has been there. It helps me to understand myself. It helps me to express myself. When I want to be happy I can turn to music. When I need to remember (or forget) I can turn to music. Sometimes music helps me realize there are emotions just under the surface that I need to let escape. Often the words of a song will speak straight to my heart, or the peaks and valleys of the music will express what I'm feeling. In that moment when a song is playing, I remember who I am or who I want to be."

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Inner Monologue

When you get the kind of news that nobody likes to get, the kind that stops you in your tracks and makes you re-think your ways and your habits and your life, the kind that helps regrets to surface and hope to disappear, it doesn't feel right that life goes on all around you as if nothing has changed.

I want to stop people in parking lots, in stores, on bike trails, at schools, and tell them what is happening. I want to tell them to stop acting like life is normal. I mean, how can everyone just go on doing normal everyday things when something so horrible is happening just under their noses?

Why do I have to keep on doing all the things that I always do - making meals, doing laundry, driving people where they need to be, shopping for food or clothes or school supplies or anything when all I really want to do is sit in my bed and read or sleep or eat copious amounts of ice cream or chocolate or nothing at all.

It seems unfair that I have to continue to act like everything is normal when it's not.

Sleep is such a beautiful escape. But then I have to wake up.

16 years ago this August my father was diagnosed with the worst kind of cancer in his brain and given months to live. Cancer in the brain. It makes me think of some terrible creature, living inside of his head, eating away at whatever it sees. Devouring his memories, his abilities, his life. He made it almost to the end of January.

16 years later, on the first day of September, my mother is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Stage 3.

I always choose to find the good in the bad. I always choose to find happiness when there is sadness. But this time it is not so easy. It is almost too much. I find myself crying when I least expect it. I no longer control my emotions, it's like they control me.

My brother told me that, if you think about it, cancer is a gift. I could have been told that my mother was in a horrible accident and died. Instead, we are given the gift of time. And it's true. More time with her is a beautiful thing. But some days it is hard to see beyond this cancer that has taken up residence inside of her without permission.

So, I wear my smiling mask and I wait.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

The Monster Inside

Around 30 years ago I would often lay awake at bedtime or wake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, with a song or a poem taking shape in my mind. I quickly learned that I would not be able to sleep until I woke up and wrote out the words in my head. The last time that happened was sometime before I moved from California to Utah.

Fast forward to Friday night two weeks ago, when it happened again. The sensation was familiar but it was an experience I had all but forgotten. It took me a while to realize that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep until the words were written down somewhere besides my brain, so I got up and wrote.

The Monster Inside

This shell that I wear
A facade, at best
Just houses a monster
Awake or at rest

(There is rarely any in-between)

On terrible days
The facade starts to break
And the monster inside
Is alive and awake

(It seems to have a mind of its own)

My guard is let down
As each piece falls away
The monster controls
All I do, all I say

(There is no going back once it's done)

My shell cracked so easily
It makes me feel sick
I'll rebuild - a fortress
Of mortar and brick

(Then pray that it holds)

They call me their friend
But what if they see
This monster that lives
And breathes inside of me?

(I never can let me be completely me)

The monster is arrogance,
Impatience and defeat.
It is anger, pride, contention,
Hatred, loathing, fear, deceit.

And walls or none, the monster's fate is completely up to me.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Make Way For Ducklings

Bad photo timing for one little duckie.

Yesterday the kids came in from the back yard full of squealy voices and excitement. 

"Mooooooom! There's a mother duck and a bunch of her babies in our backyard! OHMYGOSHTHEYARESOCUTE!!"

So of course I had to investigate. And sure enough...

They were so adorable to watch! Wherever Mama duck went, all her little babies would follow. When Mama stopped, they stopped. When Mama sat, they sat. When Mama walked, they walked. 

I am not sure how in the world they ended up in our backyard, or even in our neighborhood for that matter. I actually saw a mother duck crossing a busy road with her ducklings about a month ago. Cars were stopped, there was traffic backed up, and I couldn't see why except that there were two guys in the road. When we started moving again, there they were - mother duck and babies waddling down the sidewalk, unharmed.

And because I know God teaches me in parables, I wondered if there was a lesson in all of this for me. Here's what I decided. Just like those baby ducklings, my kids watch everything I do. Their actions are a reflection of my actions. I love when I see them doing the things that I love, like music and theater and reading and writing. But I don't love it so much when they do things like put themselves down or speak unkindly to others. If I'm being honest, both the good and the bad are a reflection of what they see me do.  

So, like this mother duck that visited our backyard for a while yesterday, I need to remember that my babies (they love being called that) are watching, listening and learning from every thing that I do. I'm not saying that I need to take personal responsibility for every bad choice they make, because they ultimately decide for themselves what they will or will not do, but I can try my best to be an influence for good and hope it guides them in their choices.

I love how you can see the duckling trying to jump onto the platform at :05 and the mom just waits for the little guy to figure out what to do. Then at about :11 he comes running in from the side.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Mother's Day 2016

Mother's Day was one of my favorite Sundays this year, mostly because Allen didn't have to go to church early or stay late. He made me breakfast AND dinner, plus all of the women were treated to a luncheon at church. Elle made some homemade bread to go with dinner as well as a Boston Cream cake for dessert. Which means I got to eat food I didn't make ALL DAY. I loved that. I can't remember the last time that has happened.

The kids all made cards for their moms in the children's primary class at church and since I have 4 kids in Primary, I got 4 cards. Hubba drew me a cool rocket ship. Little X's got sat on, so the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup in the middle of his sun was a little melty and flat. But here's what I got from Curly:

And from Little O:
(Pretty sure he doesn't have another mom.)

I also got to talk on the phone with Julia (my adorable sister missionary daughter)! She tried to skype with us, so we got to see her for a few minutes, but the screen kept freezing up and the connection kept dropping, so we ultimately resorted to the telephone, and it was awesome. She is doing great and loving what she's doing.

Allen and Kia also skyped in from Texas, where they are living for the summer while he does an internship there. 

So, yeah, it was pretty grand. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The Case of the Punctured Pointer (and the Split Spectacles)

Cowgirl called me from school yesterday afternoon. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hello?

Cowgirl: Hey Mom! It's Cowgirl. So, I guess you need to come pick me up from school because I was sewing and a needle went in my finger. (Laughter.)

Me: So, like, you sewed through your finger? Or it poked your finger?

Cowgirl: Yeah, I pretty much sewed through my finger. (Laughter.) And I guess they want you to come pick me up from school?

Me: Um, yeah. OK. On my way.

Then I called the doctor's office to see what they thought I would need to do. Because I've poked my finger with a needle while sewing before and yes, it hurts, but it eventually just heals. They checked on her tetanus shots and she was current there. Then they asked, "Did the needle actually puncture her finger? Did it go all the way through?" Well, I wasn't sure. So I called the school back.

Me: Hi, this is Cowgirl's mom. She's a student who got poked by a needle?

Office Gal: Oh, yes, she's right here!

Me: She said I need to come and get her, but I'm kind of unclear on some details. Like, did the needle actually puncture her finger? Because she's all current on her tetanus shots and everything.

Office Gal: Oh! You definitely want to come get her. She needs to be seen by a doctor to get the needle out.

Me: Get it out?

Office Gal: Yes! It broke off into her finger. It went all the way through her finger and the end is sticking out!

Me: Thank you. Yeah. I'm on my way.

So, long story short, Cowgirl pulled her hand away when the needle went through her finger and the end of it broke off. There was lots of giddy excitement at the doctor's office among the staff and Cowgirl (I'm not even kidding) and the needle came out nice and easy and then we got an x-ray to make sure there were no needle-pieces left in her finger (all clear!) and now we just need to soak the finger a few times a day and put some ointment on it and she'll be just fine.

The most amazing thing to me was how well she handled the whole thing. Not even one bit of freaking out. She was more fascinated than anything. She even insisted on going back to school after everything was checked out and given the all-clear.

UPDATE: Apparently there was not enough excitement at our house yesterday. I needed to do my grocery shopping yesterday but was sidetracked by Cowgirl's mishap so I ran to pick up some essentials after getting the kids home from school. When I arrived home Hubba told me that he and Princess were playing very gently with a lightsaber and somehow his glasses broke. 

Of course he is my only child who needs glasses full-time to function. The good news was that the warranty on these expires in two days (nice timing!) so the repairs (complete replacement of the frame) will be free. The bad news is he will be without glasses for at least a week.